The Virgin Bachelor


The 23rd season (“The Jordan Season”) of ‘The Bachelor’ is already upon us, and everyone wants to know one thing; will bachelor Colton Underwood lose his virginity on reality TV? It’s really important for all of us to find this out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, and preferably the moment he himself finds out – ideally we can all create enough hype around this young man’s sexual discovery to force it to happen at a time when it’s convenient for all of us – wouldn’t that be great!??

Unfortunately the only way to find out will be to watch this extraordinarily long television show that will most likely tease out the answer to this question as long as possible. And worse, when we do find out, there’s no way it will be as fun as Steve Carell’s journey as Andy in The 40 Year-Old Virgin. So we added him to the trailer for ‘The Bachelor’ to hold you over til you have something more satisfying.

Honestly, the reminder that a 40 year old virgin is an interesting story kind of shines a blacklight on the nothing burger that is a 26 year old virgin who spent his entire life releasing testosterone on football fields across the country. Sure, 26 is kinda old, but like, not that old. Anyway, Colton will probably handle everyone making a huge deal out of it on national television really well.


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